Monday Oct 8 2008

Went to KUMED today for chemo. Dr. Baranda thought we should delay the chemo to allow my mouth to heal. To tell the truth that was disappointing, in as much as I want to do as much damage to the cancer as I can. Oh, well. I dont quite know whether that means the chemo is working and the dosage is just a little too much and I dont know whether the delay of the chemo is all bad. I find her a little harder to read than Dr. Smally and I probably don't think fast enough ask all the questions until after I leave the office. I am scheduled to see Dr Smally tomorrow and I will ask him if it means good, bad or indifferent. The doctors drop little things during the conversation that you think--hmm, I should have asked this or that. It is hard not to get paranoid and start thinking--I should have asked this or that, did she say this or that. My wife was there but she always hears the positive and I can see any flaw and manage to project negatively and complicate rice crispies. Keeping a positive mental attitude is easy to say and sometimes hard to do. I think 99% of the time I am very positive, but I have to admit it bugs me that the chemo was delayed and I need to quit trying to guess what that means---as Kaye says it doesnt mean anything---just means a delay and the nurse said that obviously it is attacking the tissue because it is attacking the inside of my mouth so that is a positive sign.
My friend Chuck from Boston sent me this:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson